As week seven approaches, I took the opportunity this weekend to reflect on the journey of the past six weeks. When I decided to return to school, I was filled with anxiety. I constantly questioned my choice, to the point where I even delayed my enrollment period. Various factors contributed to my doubts, including mom guilt, imposter syndrome, and self-doubt. What eventually got me through was being in constant conversations with my family and journaling.
I was initially thrilled to commit to the Summer start, but my excitement quickly faded after receiving my first academic paper assignment in a decade. However, I reminded myself of why I enrolled in this program - to enrich my knowledge in the field of Instructional Design and to confidently pursue my purpose. In my Intro to Instructional Systems class, we were tasked with writing a paper about a company that encompasses 25 vocabulary words related to system and subsystems and their relationships. As the deadline approached, I struggled to even begin writing the paper. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't overcome writer's block and self-doubt, leaving me frustrated and even reduced to tears. Sunday came, and the report was due by 11:59pm, and still, I had written nothing. I sat and wrote a poem about self-doubt and its crippling effects, spoke to my hubby about my feelings, and then knocked my paper out in 5 hours. Was I happy with what I submitted? Nope, because self-doubt gives you no room to enjoy small victories. But I got it done, and that's what mattered now.
Over the past few weeks, I've been dwelling on why it might not be the best idea to enroll in school right now. My toddler is highly attached to me and won't go to anyone else when I'm around. I've been worried about how I'll be able to manage for the next two years. However, when I received a notification from Canvas that my assignment had been graded, I was terrified to check my notes and grade. After building the courage to do so, I was relieved to see that I had been putting too much pressure on myself. The assignment wasn't difficult, but my fear of failure weighed me down.
Despite still feeling anxious about each new assignment, it's comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm checking in to say that, six weeks into my studies, I'm thrilled that I decided to embark on this journey. With such a robust support system around me, I have no doubt that I'll be successful. My classmates have been a fantastic source of support, and I feel so lucky to share this experience with them. Thank you for helping me realize that being vulnerable is okay and that perfection is not the goal.
Here's to six weeks down and another six to go! How are you all feeling? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
Hey Double M - thanks for sharing your feelings, thoughts, and experiences coming back to school. I relate to a lot of what you've shared, especially when you describe competing priorities and having that nagging question of "Was this the right decision?" But you said it yourself - you're thrilled to be here! That's all you needed to say. You're making the right decision. And, to put a cherry on top, you've been part of my support system in this class just like your peers have been a support system in yours. We're all in this together and I'm glad you're here!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. This is a deep, deep reflection. I can relate to your self-doubt because I have been with it all the time since I started my PhD study. As I'm nearing graduation, I'm still not free from it. But I had more chances to reflect on it, asking when I feel self-doubt the most, what is the source of it, how to stop doubting, etc. So it didn't go away completely, but I learned how to live well with it. I agree with you on that support system is really important. I'm glad you have that robust support system around you. :) You've got this!!!
ReplyDeleteThat's a wonderful post. As Megan mentioned, I feel a lot of support from my classmates as well from class to class, and I find myself so happy when I see familiar names when a new class begins. Workload is a lot, but nothing compared to the pressure I put on my shoulders ito keep up and do my best. I have a very hard time letting go, but in some occasions, I succeed giving myself some slack and just enjoy what I've achieved so far. Sometimes it's hard to hear what our self is telling us, that we're awesome, that we're brave, that we'll get through it.
ReplyDeleteSo let me say it to you: you're awesome, you're brave, you'll get through this. The fact that you enrolled and are doing your part of the job is already an achievement. I don't know for you, but so many people around me just don't get why I'm back to studying and are asking me when I'll get back to a "normal adult life". This does not feed the self-confidence, but I believe the more we're challenged and the more we stay focus, the more it helps building a solid plan for our future.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!